Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

OK, Maybe I do need to pray a little

This is hilarious--go see my British friend's post here and see why I need to repent. You probably need too, as well.

Things People Do for Homemade Cookies

I've had cookies on the brain--don't know if it's because of the holiday season, or a womanly craving, (TMI?) but I am in the process of making my third batch in two days. It's funny all the attention I get from friends when I'm making cookies. I just updated my Facebook status to read "Jennifer is making more cookies today...this is what it takes to get people to visit! LOL!" And then I received a funny e-mail from our friend Scott:

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

Secret Family Recipe

It is no secret that I love chocolate chip cookies. I can’t cook worth a crap, but I can make some great chocolate chip cookies. I got the recipe from my Mom. I fondly remember her making chocolate chip cookies for me when I was a kid, while I watched my favorite movie, Pete’s Dragon. I always make them for work functions & parties, and I always hear how good they are. Here’s a little tip on the secret recipe (turn the music off at the bottom of my blog first):

Trick or Treat!

Dennis, I'm sorry...I just had to post this!

Sixth Annual 29th Birthday

Yeah, for years I have been telling everyone I was 29. It was perpetually my annual 29th birthday. Now that my metabolism has slowed down, my sight isn't what it once was (even after surgery), and gravity is taking it's toll--I figured it's about time to face reality. So, Happy Birthday to Me!!! And check this out, all you under-30 Whipper-Snappers! (courtesy of an e-mail from Shannon)

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning, uphill... barefoot....BOTH ways.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And, I remember promising myself that, when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And, I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then, you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal - that's it! And, we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and ʽAsteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And, there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen, forever! And, you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And, we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove... imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

Little Boys...

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The pharmacist continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those'.

I have three little boys...

I Love my Employees

I don't think I'm a normal boss. First of all, I only have two direct reports. And we are more of a team, with me as the team leader, rather than a boss over two employees. Anyhow, last week was the first week back at work after officially getting my master of science degree in project management (MSPM for short). While it is different from an MBA, here is the theme that ran in the newspaper this week, and therefore, ended up taped all over my desk each day from my team: (I just realized my blog is not wide enough to display the full strip--click on each strip below to visit the site to see the end of them--sorry for the technical difficulty and my lazy fix!)











I love my employees--at least we can have fun, joke around and poke each other without hurt feelings! And special thanks to our friend Scott for supplying the link to Dilbert.com

Quotes from Graduation Weekend

Yeah, I'll get around to posting a bunch of stuff about my residency week and graduation when I get around to it (still decompressing from school, which involves avoiding the computer at home like the plague). To tide you over, here's some real quotes from my family while in DC for graduation--they may not be funny to some of you who weren't there, but they're good memories for us:

"Nothing like a good rain to wash out the bums" --Bryan, as it pours down rain

Tyler: "What's that noise?!" (as we ride the escalator out of the subway station)
Bryan: "IT'S THE ESCALATOR MONSTER!!"

Tyler: "How'd he get outside?" (as PaPa makes faces at the boys from outside the hotel window)
Bryan: "He crawled through the toilet and it dumped him outside!"

"I am Nick, Galactic Overlord of All Non-Sleeping Babies in the Universe!" --Bryan, as Nick watches his fussy, overtired baby cousin

Andre's Job

This one cracked me up. Oh, and sorry I'm just ripping off other people's jokes and not scheduling any "real" writing, but I am a little busy and besides, everyone can use some laughs.

Animal Diaries

Here's another funny post I scheduled while away. It reminds me of Auds from Barking Mad--she's got a house full of cats, and she really cracks me up:

Excerps from a Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog Food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Watched TV with the people! My favortie thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
---------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I maky my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. however, they merely made condescending comments about what a little hunder I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies'. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow--but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Apples and Wine

Since I will be gone for several days wrapping up my graduate degree, I have scheduled a few posts for everyone's enjoyment--mostly jokes and some videos of the kids. If I do happen to have time while away to do some writing, I'll break in and update everyone on how it's going.

And with that, this is the first scheduled post, something I received from my sister a while back:

But wait--there's more to it:
Now men...men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something accemptable to have dinner with.

You May Be Taliban If...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Sorry guys--I just couldn't help myself here. You can thank a close friend of ours, a former Navy SEAL, for these little tidbits of Taliban knowledge.