My Heart Grew Three Sizes Today

I've had some really bad luck at work lately with a big job I've been working. It's gradually got me down...and then this weekend hit. Friday everything was looking good. Saturday everything went to crap. Today, it really went into the toilet. I worked both days this weekend--clawing, scratching, jumping through hoops, knocking down walls, calling people into work for help...and it got me right back to where I started. Needless to say, I was really pissed off and frustrated when I left work. It sure didn't feel like Christmas is in a few days. I felt like the Grinch.


What do I do when I feel crappy? I go to Starbucks!! I sat in the drive-through line, getting even more irritated because it was moving sooooo slooooowwwww...and then something unexpected happened.

When I pulled to the window in a huff, the cashier handed me my drink and then refused my card. I was confused. He said it wasn't necessary because the person in front of me had paid for my drink. In fact, the person before that guy bought his drink! I was a part of a chain of people buying the next person in line's drink--I was so surprised and touched! Of course, I kept it going.
After the shitty past few days and the way today ended at work, this one deed put a smile on my face. It was really cool to be part of something like that. My heart grew three sizes!

Rising From the Ashes

At work, I am amazed how everything falls apart at once...and then in the eleventh hour comes back together again after much stress and flailing around. I have had some big, high-visibility jobs do this exact thing this past week. I worked very hard to coordinate everything and everyone involved, and then watched with a sinking heart as it all fell apart. It is such a terrible feeling to have everyone watch as my ship goes down. Somehow in the end, all the obstacles were overcome--everything fell back on track and the jobs were finished.

My boss credited me with perservering and getting the work done. I cannot take credit alone--I had a lot of help, particularly when I felt I had been beaten. I may complain about work and people at work from time to time, but I really am grateful to have all the people working around me--and really thankful for their help. I feel like a phoenix pulled from the ashes.

Baptism By Fire

A while back I was at a crossroads--my job wasn't satisfying and I felt the tug of needing to spend more quality time with my family. That's all out the window for now--I have moved into a different job at my company. I am now the Diesel Momma!


As people at work learn that I am now in charge of this complex, critical job--they laugh. And I smile because I don't know any better. OK, yes I do--I knew what I was getting myself into. And so far, I love it!


It's great to go to work and have a clear, tangible end goal to work towards with my team. It's great to feel like I'm actually making some progress--even with the many problems standing in the way. Granted, I have resorted to begging and bribery to get some things done--but who hasn't? And of course, I fell overwhelmed by the many systems--electrical and mechanical--and the various states of completion each component is in.


I could've been given something "easier" to handle, but I instead got thrown into the fire. So far, I'm withstanding it fairly well and even having some fun!

Token

Nothing like announcing "I'm baa-aack" like a good rant...

Any of you heathens watch South Park, like me? This is Token--he is the "token" black kid on the show to represent "diversity". What in the hell does he have to do with me? Well it seems that I am the "token woman" in my shipyard. Nothing gets my panties in a wad faster than someone implying that I got to where I am simply because I'm a woman.

Why am I on this rant today? Because I went for another big job promotion, and made the steep cut into the final round of interviews. I didn't publicize with everyone that I was going for this job because I put enough pressure on myself--I don't need everyone else watching me succeed or fail (and later gossiping about it.) Yet, when I came back from a 10-day vacation, everyone was yapping about me "getting the job." Whaaaa? Where did they get this information? I pressed one of them--I used my womanly manupulative powers of shipyard seduction to get out of him exactly why he knows for a fact that I got this job. He f-ing showed me a bunch of corporate charts showing how far behind the curve our yard is compared to the rest of the corporation and the defense industry with diversity. Puh-leeeze...

Have I heard whether I got the job yet or not?--no (yes, it's been a while.) Perhaps all the VPs are still sitting in their tee-pees smoking the medicine pipe and pondering whether or not it's a good idea to comply with a stupid corporate directive anymore...since our shipyard is going to be spun off from Northrop Grumman in the near future anyway...

Crossroads

Time for a hormonal rant and some wallowing in my own sorrows.

I have been stuck at a crossroads ever since I earned my master's degree last May. I am torn between work and family life. I used to be career-driven--I loved my job and loved my company. I got thrills and pleasure from the challenges of work. Now work is not fun anymore--I find myself longing to be home doing projects with the kids. I don't feel that I am contributing to anything at work--and that is not a fulfilling feeling at all. My kids are growing up so fast--life is passing me by. I want to stop and smell the flowers. Go out and make memories with my husband & kids. Stop bringing home my computer to suck the life from me at night.

This transition over the past year has been hard. I went from flying high at a job I loved, to tumble down into being just another worker-bee in the crowd. Bryan says I was spoiled--I refuse to believe that there aren't a lot of jobs out there that are fulfilling. I am just not focused on that part of my life anymore. I want to focus on our kids, and make a life for them that they can fondly remember when they get older. I want to take them on weekend trips to see the wonders of the east coast...and beyond. Camping. Snow skiing. Body surfing.

I feel like I'll be disappointing my mentors at work, my husband, and my family if I don't continue to fight my way up the food chain. I need to do what makes me happy or I'll be miserable and bring everyone around me down with me. I just don't see a clear path to choose right now...and I'm getting impatient.

I've Been Cheating

This is very difficult for me to admit to the general public, but it's something that I need to say before I get caught and it gets blown out of proportion.

I have been cheating. On Starbucks. Something I never thought would happen. It started off innocently enough--just playful banter, but then I was seduced by the sweet smell, and after one sip--I was hooked. The new coffee of my affection?


Dunkin' Donuts French Vanilla. Thank you, Sheila from work, for hooking me up. Now I can't stop drinking coffee all morning and I have to take sleep aids at night to go to sleep...just to dream about the next morning when I'll be reunited with my new coffee love.


Phew! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My Guys Love Me Since I Quit Drinking

Oh, yes--this is a real statement made by one of those crusty old shipbuilders at work. I about fell out of my chair laughing. Few people surprise me, but this man absolutely amazes me. I try not to judge people until I get to know them, but this guy's reputation preceded actually meeting him and he kind of scared the hell outta me. Since then, I've learned that his bark is way worse than his bite (or maybe I've just been lucky and stayed on his good side.) That's not really the point here...


He was going on and on about how great life has been since he quit drinking. He doesn't come into work in the morning all spun up, he can relax more in the evening--it's been great for him. What he is referring to is caffeine. Cold turkey, he stopped his morning coffee and all-day soda habit (I know I've been away from Texas too long when I'm not calling all brands of soda "cokes".) I met him while he was still "addicted", but I can't really attest to his new attitude because I never witnessed his "bad side".

He firmly believes this will help him lose a few pounds and help him feel healthier in general. I know he's onto something because I stopped drinking "cokes" last summer due to the swealtering heat onboard the ship I was working--the only thing that quenched my thirst was water. I shed several pounds--I know some of it was due to the type of work I was doing, but I also believe it was because I stopped drinking sodas. And I drank Diet Dr Pepper--so it wasn't because of the sugar. Not sure if it was due to the caffeine, either--but whatever it was, it worked.


That's not to say I will give up caffeine completely--see below:


Sometimes I think my husband allows me to go to Starbucks more than once a day due to these effects...

See, I DO Have a Heart

The very energetic man who I referred to as the magician at work has been out for almost two months getting a bone marrow transplant to treat his bone cancer. An acquaintance told be about a website used by patients facing serious medical issues to stay in touch with friends and gather support--I had never heard of this site, but since then I have come across three different families who have been using it for their issues. It is absolutely wonderful, and I encourage others to use this when they are in difficult health situations or to lend their support to families in need: http://www.caringbridge.org/

Pass the Xanax

Remember a few days ago when I let loose some pent up energy on the copier at work? I almost had another episode today... and because I don't carry a psychiatrist in my pocket (maybe I should?)--I have no pills that will magically make everything better. Or do I?

Check out my super-sized bottle of homemade Xanax! (It's even better than the knock-offs I could buy in Mexico!)

No longer will I sit and stew while listening to all those whiny men complain about following rules. Now I can sit back, pop one of my special pills, and soak in the chocolatey goodness--pretending to listen to complaints while getting lost in dreamy thoughts about chocolate...

Not a Productive Use of Sick Time

After trying really, really hard to get sick (so I can get some time off work. alone. with attention and sympathy), I managed not to get the swine flu, the bird flu, the regular flu, or to get any of the other random illnesses that our kids drag into our house on a regular basis. Oh, but finally, I get some mutant form of strep/sinusitis/cold virus over the weekend. And it's not as fun being home sick as I thought it would be. (DUH!) My throat hurts, my head is pounding, my upper chest feels yucky...this isn't the mini-vacation from work that I was wanting. Oh, and since it's viral, antibiotics don't help. UGH.

Office Space

Sooooo, work has been driving me absolutely crazy lately. It's just one problem after another, compounded by lots of whining from many adult men. And then there's me. The woman who is "holding them all hostage"... UGH! Just ask Bryan--I am on the extreme edge of...something. Then today at work, the Xerox copier sent me over that edge. And I proceeded to take some pent up aggression out on it. It will be out of commission for a loooong time. And those men will think twice about whining to ME.

Big Giant Gaijin

(at Zojo-Ji Temple with Tokyo Tower in the background)

Even though I am dead tired when I get home from work, I am still reading books. One of the blogs I follow (I can't remember which one, I'm ashamed to say) recommended Memoirs of a Gaijin: A Humorous Look at the Daily Life of a Foreigner in the Japanese Countryside. This caught my eye for two reasons: 1. I have co-workers who relocated to Japan and told me many strange and funny tales of their own experiences, and 2. my job eventually sent me to Japan where I stumbled into my own funny circumstances.

My boss had traveled to Japan several times before me, so I followed his recommendation to pack extremely light even though I'd be gone for 2 weeks. I only took a backpack, my computer bag, and a carry-on (yes, amazingly light for a woman) so that I could easily hop on & off all the trains I'd have to take from the airport in Tokyo to my final destination of Yokosuka. The hotel had a reliable laundry service that would return clothes in 24 hours, so that enabled me to pack only one pair of pants (it was summertime, so I wore shorts when I wasn't at work.)

That Saturday I turned in my pants to have them clean in time for Monday morning. Sunday I stopped at the front desk to retrieve my clean pants, and they told me that the cleaners did not work Sunday--I wouldn't get my pants until Monday afternoon. I had to work Monday morning. No problem--there were many places in Yokosuka where I could buy some new pants, and my co-workers & boss were looking to walk around the city shops anyway.

We hit one of the malls first. Since we didn't know what the conversion was between Japanese and American sizes, we had to ask a sales lady if they had anything for me. She got wide-eyed and ushered me over to what turned out to be the extra-extra-large Japanese sizes. Of course, this brought some snickering from me and my two male co-workers. The lady handed me the largest size they had, and I went to go try it on. To my amusement, I couldn't even get one leg in--it got stuck on my lower thigh.

So we moved on to the next store. Same thing: wide-eyed sales lady who took me to the "big & tall" section. Again, did not remotely fit. Lots more snickering from the males who were accompanying me. Now, I am not a big girl--I am an average American size 10.

This happened repeatedly at two more malls before we realized that we were out of luck with Japanese stores. We had to go to the Navy Exchange on the US base to find some giant American clothes for this apparently fat gaijin (pronounced "guy-jean"--the derogatory Japanese word for foreigner.) This is one of two stories my co-workers love to tell when anyone asks how that trip to Japan was. I'll save the other one for next time I have nothing to write about!

(Don't ask--I don't know why all these people dressed in strange attire and offered free hugs while flashing peace signs everywhere. They hang out in Harajuku, Tokyo.)

Holiday Bonus

We just got our Holiday Bonus a la the movie "Christmas Vacation". Our co-workers kept asking us if we received it--it seems that it slipped down between the seat cushions of the courier's vehicle and was just rediscovered. Thank goodness we didn't put a down payment on a pool in anticipation.

It's a DVD. Full of propoganda. No "thank you" or "Merry Christmas" (nor a politically correct version of either) in the video itself. Just undertones of how we can be better workers.

Oh, thank you so much Big Company for your generous gift...it is nothing that we don't hear at work every other stinkin' day of the year.

Maybe I'm just supremely grouchy because I don't want to return to work tomorrow after having all this time off. Grrr... I will self-medicate via chocolate chip cookies & alcoholic beverages.

The Magician's Assistant

I'm still alive (yes, I know I say that every time I have a "long" absence compared to my much chattier blogging friends.) I am working on a new "project" that my VP and Program Director have taken on. The VP specifically chose me to be on this team because of my unique experience working with various other shipyards outside our fence, and because my particular Master's degree has educated me in the concepts they are trying to implement. I have to change the culture of a bunch of crusty, grumpy, headstrong, old-school shipyard workers who have been doing things the same way for a hundred years. Despite what some might think, I am not confrontational--really. I cannot stand getting into arguments with these guys. And it's even tougher when I'm not 100% convinced that this is the right thing to do at this particular time.

We are already a few months into the nuclear refueling and overhaul of the USS Theodore Roosevelt. The government invests millions of dollars in advance for us to plan this job because it is so complex that it takes almost 3 years to buy all the long-lead material, engineer all the details and fit everything into a schedule. And now I am heading an effort that kind of throws a lot of those detailed plans out the window. Scary.

Our government customer is somewhat patiently waiting to see some positive results. I am holding my breath and hoping for a miracle. On of the guys I'm working with is much more outgoing and direct--I am more like his sidekick. I joked the other day that I was his "magician's assistant" because I feel like we're trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat. He looked at me sideways and said, "Don't say that!"

Have you ever tried to Google "magician's assistant" in search of an image? Try it for yourself and see what you mostly get. It seems that I might actually be a bit naive about this phrase...I'll need to quit saying it at work.

Spreading My Wings

Have you all noticed that I haven't complained about my job here lately? Maybe it's because I take all my frustrations out on people I can reach out and touch, like my husband and co-workers. Not that I've punched them in the face or anything like that...or thought about doing it. (I'm more talking about the ones at work, honey...no need to start watching your back...yet)

Today is one of those days where I really had to control myself. I have been permanently transferred into a different department—into a place that I have never had any desire to go to. At all. Whatsoever. Period.

And nobody knew what was going on until it was all over with. Not me, not the guys who report to me, not my temporary boss on my temporary project, and not my “real” boss. It was my boss’s boss who went behind everyone’s back with no warning. Here’s the point where I have to decide whether to rant about specific asshole upper managers via the internet, lest it come back and haunt me later.

…After sitting on this post for several hours, I think I should let it be.

My reassurance about this whole ordeal is that my new bosses seem very warm and embracing. In a nutshell, they explained that the company’s top dogs got together and decided there was a very urgent, specific need for someone with my experience and knowledge in this department, and it would be great for my resume. They questioned me when they saw my jaw hot the floor after they told me this was a permanent move—and they were not happy about the lack of communication from the asshole upper manager.

I am leading the charge in revolutionizing how the company schedules and manages work on aircraft carrier overhauls. The people involved have already picked a path (a path that I know a lot about, but am very wary of—not sure it’s the right solution.) I have to finish the details and implement it in a culture that is very skeptical of change. This will be my first major undertaking without my now former boss—my mentor. I am very nervous about spreading my wings without him behind me.

The Three-Fingered Mommy

This is how my day started. I woke up at 5 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. And that really pissed me off since I hardly ever get to sleep in anymore. Because I had to go to work this morning anyway, I went ahead and took a shower and got around while I waited for Bryan to get home from his night shift. And I waited. And waited. And started wondering if I was going to make it to work on time for the morning meeting--which is the only reason I had to go to work today at all. Then I remembered that I haven't complained about my job in a while and decided to start a blog post about that...then he got home. So that blog entry will have to wait. But why so late? The not-so-unusual reason...his relief didn't get to work on time. But that's not really what this is about.

I rushed out the door, feeling very guilty that he had to deal with the kids this morning on zero sleep--but there was nothing I could do other than rush to get to work, so I could rush to get home for him. In my mad rush to work, a few things went right. I managed NOT to get a speeding ticket (knock on wood). And I managed to get a ride from a friendly shipyard worker to the ship from the parking lot (saving me a few minutes of bicycling in the freezing cold). He got me to my office trailer just in time for that important morning meeting. And that is where it happened. I slammed my finger in this guy's truck door.

Oh but I wish that's where it ended. He didn't see me. And started driving away.

At first I thought it was just my glove. Nope--as I pulled and twisted I immediately realized it wasn't just my glove. And it wasn't coming loose. Ohmygodthedriverdoesn'tknow!!!! I was turned backwards--couldn't reach the door handle with my other hand. As the truck started forward and started dragging me with it, I got ready to leap into the truck bed--THANK GOD he glanced back just in time before he really hit the accelerator! I may have lost more than a finger--might have been my whole arm!

This poor guy was beside himself. I was shaking and in shock, and he was trying to get my glove off for me. Somehow I still had my Starbucks coffee clutched in my other hand, and he saved it as I fell back into the passenger's seat. (Yes, much like a man who will protect his beer in any situation--I prioritized my coffee over having my hand ripped off.) My finger was still on my hand, and it didn't appear to be broken. It was immediately bleeding and black and some skin is torn off where I twisted and pulled to frantically get free of the door. He gently dabbed all the blood off with a tissue and put a band-aid on it--all the while I was putting every ounce of energy and concentration into not crying. I am a woman in a male-dominated blue-collar environment. I have to act somewhat tough or these guys will eat me alive on the ship's deckplates.

The surprising thing is the pain! I feel like a whiny little girl, but my entire hand hurts all the way up past my elbow! I slammed my thumb in my Mom's Suburban when I was little, but I don't remember it feeling anything like this. And I think about my kids--I have always been very careful not to catch my kids' fingers in any doors. I can't imagine how I'd freak out if it happened now, knowing what this feels like. I showed them my finger when I got home today just so they'd see how bad it was. (ok, and to get some sympathy from my little monkeys...) Hopefully it scared them enough that they will be more careful, too.

And, no--I haven't taken a picture of it. It's gross. And I'm too big of a baby to unbandage it right now.

Oink, oink!

Our household has just been hit by swine flu (we eat enough pork to provide our ration of funding to the pork industry, so I don't feel the need to call this type of flu by any other name.)
Two of the kids have it so far, and Bryan & I are debating giving them a big fat kiss just to go ahead and get it over with quickly--it's inevitable that it will sweep through everyone in the house. The crappy thing is that we feel bad not going to work today, when in reality we are doing everyone a favor by not bringing the virus to the ship. If Bryan's co-workers get this virus, they could single-handedly cause a delay to the ship's delivery schedule because they already have a shortage of qualified people to do that job. But that's not how those idiots see it...

Jen's New Weight Loss Plan

I have a new company-sponsored weight loss plan. They pay me to lose weight. They want me to lose weight so bad that they're pushing me to work overtime on it. It involves sweating my butt off while climbing through the sweltering bowels of a ship. It's hot, humid, and dirty. And the propulsion plant is not even up, and it's not even officially summer weather yet.

OK, so really my company really doesn't give a crap about what I weigh. What they have done is sent me down to a big, very old ship with the hopes that I can lend a big hand to help get it back up and going...and out of our shipyard. The real reason they sent me down there is to get more experience with the guys who are actually turning wrenches. Hello! I went to a maritime academy--I think I've done my time turning wrenches and bilge-diving in unbearable heat! This is a direct result of losing out on that cool promotion I was going for. A perceived lack of shipyard waterfront experience, due to my lack of marketing skills (I can only seem to toot my own bullhorn to an unknown audience over the internet.) I expressed my frustration to my chain of command, who agreed that these old-school yard birds are out of touch with what we do in my department and with what actually goes on down in the shipyard. Maybe that's why the yard hasn't delivered an aircraft carrier on schedule in a long, long time??? There has never been a schedule/quality issue with the out-of-yard work my department directly manages...hmmm. Don't get me wrong--the guy who beat me out is really good.

I digress. My background got the attention of two VPs (yeah..WOW!) So they decided to develop my skills further by sending me down to the unfixable ship, the USS Enterprise. I now spend my days down in the propulsion plant doing what I can to prioritize work for the tradespeople and showing them where the hard-to-find jobs are. So far it's okay--my body is just not used to being in that environment anymore. What's cool is that Bryan is also working on this ship, so we actually get to see each other at work now & then, and have something common to talk about. It's actually how we first met--working together on the USS Nimitz.

It's still a shock to go from my cushy desk job overlooking the river in an all-glass building. I had a super-flexible 8-hour-a-day, 5-day-a-week job. Now I'm facing 12-hour days with weekends and rotating shiftwork. Been there, done that. Pre-family. I have 3 kids, t-ball games, and a husband who is already battling his own work conditions. We rely heavily on the stability and flexibility of my work schedule, which is now out the window.

Anyhow, the VPs are testing me and my capabilities--I have never failed at any job in this company, and I don't intend to start now. I have to survive until late fall...

Graduation Re-cap #1--the Beginning of the Week

OK, since everyone is bugging me about how it went--I'll just cover everything in a few blog posts so I don't have to keep repeating myself and to make sure I don't forget anything. Yeah, I know it's already been almost a month since it happened--I really do avoid my computer now!

I'll start with the last few days at work before I departed for residency week at the main campus. First off, apparently someone heard me loudly ranting about that cool promotion I was going for, so they gave it to a MAN who has the same academic credentials as me, but also has some specific experience directly applicable to the new job. Was I disappointed?--yes. But I feel good knowing the guy who got it is well deserving of it. So, that was one less thing to worry about heading into my week of residency at George Washington University.

My mom, sister, and 1.5-year-old nephew arrived Saturday, and Bryan & I went to DC on Sunday. After wandering aimlessly around the White House, we went ahead and checked into my hotel. The school reserved the rooms for us, and since I was cheap and one of my female team-mates was also cheap, we decided to split the cost and room together. So, of course, we requested 2 beds. Well, the guy working the front desk was foreign and didn't speak great English (which I think he used to his advantage to be lazy--no offense foreign people, but this guy was not even trying to be helpful) and he just took whatever card Bryan put in front of him, swiped it, gave us nothing but a key and pointed at the elevator. Little did we know what trouble lie ahead. The room was the size of my boss's office--which is slightly bigger than my cubicle. In it were two twin beds. The bathroom was Japanese-size (for those of you who have had the pleasure of staying in a Japanese hotel, you know I'm talking about a tiny shower, a tiny sink, a toilet, and barely room to stand.) All I could think of was that two women would be sharing this tiny room & tiny bathroom for a week.

I Love my Employees

I don't think I'm a normal boss. First of all, I only have two direct reports. And we are more of a team, with me as the team leader, rather than a boss over two employees. Anyhow, last week was the first week back at work after officially getting my master of science degree in project management (MSPM for short). While it is different from an MBA, here is the theme that ran in the newspaper this week, and therefore, ended up taped all over my desk each day from my team: (I just realized my blog is not wide enough to display the full strip--click on each strip below to visit the site to see the end of them--sorry for the technical difficulty and my lazy fix!)











I love my employees--at least we can have fun, joke around and poke each other without hurt feelings! And special thanks to our friend Scott for supplying the link to Dilbert.com