Sixth Annual 29th Birthday

Yeah, for years I have been telling everyone I was 29. It was perpetually my annual 29th birthday. Now that my metabolism has slowed down, my sight isn't what it once was (even after surgery), and gravity is taking it's toll--I figured it's about time to face reality. So, Happy Birthday to Me!!! And check this out, all you under-30 Whipper-Snappers! (courtesy of an e-mail from Shannon)

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning, uphill... barefoot....BOTH ways.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And, I remember promising myself that, when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And, I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then, you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal - that's it! And, we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and ʽAsteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And, there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen, forever! And, you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And, we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove... imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd